“We choose to go to the moon.” On September 12, 1962, President John F. Kennedy spoke six words that gave NASA a lofty mission: to land a man on the moon by the end of the decade. That mission became “mission accomplished” when Commander Neil Armstrong stepped onto the moon’s surface on July 21, 1969.

Not many corporations state such high aims. NASA’ s mission statement almost reads like the opening to the original Star Trek series that premiered in 1966, just three years before the moon launch: “NASA explores the unknown in air and space, innovates for the benefit of humanity, and inspires the world through discovery.” But a recent survey of major companies  finds that most of their mission statements never quite get off the ground.

I think it’s fair to say before I critique these statements that the approval process for a global company’s mission statement must be a nightmare. With the egregious number of people who probably have to sign off on these statements, it’s a wonder they don’t all read like, “We’re a nice company with nice products.” At best, a mission statement ought to make the reader a little weak in the knees. For people who work for the company, a good mission statement ought to be the thing that causes them to leap out of bed in the morning, eager to clock in. At worst, they’re mundanely descriptive and unforgivably bland.

Being a lifelong Apple user (aka “I’ll give you my MacBook Pro when you pry it out of my cold, dead hands”), the first mission statement I’m going to pick on is Microsoft’s. What strikes me—and I hope it will strike you—is how utterly generic this statement is. I can’t really think of many companies for which this mission statement would not work equally well (or poorly). Nothing about it suggests that Microsoft has even a ghost of a personality. If this mission statement was an associate at an office Christmas it would be the guy who makes boring small talk with a coworker who isn’t really listening while staring into his own drink.

Next up is Coca Cola, a global company with a market capitalization of nearly $275 billion. Here’s a case of a mission statement that might actually be a little too lofty. “To inspire moments of optimism and happiness”?! Are you kidding?! The only optimism or happiness comes from that 46 milligrams of caffeine in our 12-ounce can of Diet Coke! The “create value and make a difference” part is also painfully bland. Coca Cola would have been better off to quit while they were ahead and simply say, “To refresh the world…” (which I kinda like) and leave it at that.

Here’s another one that, in my humble opinion, is shamefully bland. Since brothers Walt and Roy Disney founded this company back in 1923, this is a brand that has stood for one thing: creativity. But you’d never guess that from this mission statement. Take out the word “entertainment” and it would serve just as well for an accounting firm or an insurance company. Wait, I think I hear Walt rolling over in his grave…

Regardless of your personal opinion of Tesla CEO Elon Musk, you can’t deny that the man is a visionary. But this mission statement makes Tesla’s vision sound so incredibly pedestrian—like it was written more to reassure shareholders that their investment was not in the hands of a madman than for any other reason. It’s probably a good thing that Musk didn’t write Tesla’s mission statement himself—which would require six leading astrologers and the Dalai Lama to translate it into English. But again, Tesla has a certain style, a distinct brand personality that is completely absent here.

Just so you don’t think I’m completely mean-spirited, I’m going to end with one I actually think does the job. Okay, Walmart’s mission statement isn’t gushy or glamorous, (But then again, neither is Walmart.) It simply tells the truth of why we shop at Walmart in the first place: to save money. I can’t give them points for creativity, but they get a high score in my book for honesty. (And for brevity—most company mission statements are way too long.)

There’s a clear paradox here: successful companies with unsuccessful mission statements. That could beg the question, “Does a mission statement even matter?” I guess I’m among those who believe that in marketing, everything matters. So to Microsoft, Coca Cola, Walt Disney, and Tesla, I would say with all the love in my heart, “You might want to give that mission statement another look.” Just don’t give the pen to Elon Musk.